im so sick and tired of phil rolling his eyes at me. especially when he wants really bright and feirce colors for his tux. he wants a dark purple suit with a yellow cumberbund... (f*cking PUKE! ewww.) i told him i'd settle for honolulu blue (detroit lions blue, his all faveorite football team, because its not HOLY CHRISHT bright, and im a pastelle'y.kind of lady...) he rolls his eyes on every subject. i know now that he's not mature enough to make decisions, at all. he refuses to even talk about it. he's so immature still. (he said something about his groom cake being kitty-ish, and he didnt mean just cat shaped... he meant he wanted his groom cake to be FOR cats, shaped like a cat, made out of cat food, which as a cat owner, im not totally against giving my cat a cake made out of cat food... but he was sereous, he wanted a cake, just for cats... i hate it when i try to compromise and he refuses to even listen, which is why i wish he'd never even thrown this apparently "fake" (half and half ring) "proposal" at me, because KNOWING that im an UN-MARRIED FLORAL DESIGNER... who has wanted to marry him seince before time even BEGAN... any time i talk about weddings (even if its not our own...) he rolls his eyes and has a negaitive comment... like, i'm doing the flowers for my friends wedding, and he said that the color of the green flowers that i chose "should never be used or conciddered a color..." and i liked them, and Heather (the friend) liked them... so, either he's just too immature and stupid to actually want to get married, he's scared... or he's just not ready. which is why he should have never thrown those 4 words at me while he was down on one knee.

"will you marry me?"

such a stupid question coming from someone who dosent know what the hell they want. specially' when they arent ready, and they dont really want to marry the person their asking... or knowing that the person that their asking to marry them has been in love with them for YEARS, and YEARS, and YEARS, and would be more than willing to be their wife, because they take care of you, and love you unconditionally, and they know that you love them, because they do things they don't want to just to make you happy.

i love phil, and i know he loves me. and if we DID get married on the date i want to, we still have over a year and a half to plan. but im the kind of girl who wants to just plan everything out now. (forgive all of my spelling errors, ive had some wine and im in no mood to fix them...) i want to know a location, playlist, bridesmaid dresses and tux colors, food, bridal party, and guests as soon as possible, that way i can just know whats going on and not have to worry about it later on. and basically, phils yelling at me because we have plenty of time to plan for this. (in other words, i was stupid and drunk (as usual) when i proposed to you with a milk ring and told you i srsly wanted to marry you... which now i dont because im not ready and na ne na ne na.)

another arguement we're having is that he wants       to be our first dance... i'm not against frank zappa, but i certainally hope that some artist that we BOTH approve of comes out with some sort of wedding song before we plan the wedding for definate... otherwise phil wont marry me. because i REFUSE to have any song that isnt a mutual decision between phil and i to be our wedding song... because its OUR wedding, not PHIL'S wedding. and i dont think im being a bridezilla in any way, i think he's being a groomzilla for being a drama queen any time i mention something he dosent like or dosent want. *sigh.* i even suggested we do half song of my choice, and half his choice, but as usual, that wasn't good enough.

im going to sleep on the couch tonight... and watch tv and drink wine till i die, or puke. because im really stressed, and not in the mood to deal with a bed-hogging, meanyhead future groomzilla.

update: 7:17 AM: a few drinks and two tv shows later, ive decided to just not talk about anything wedding related untill phil himself brings it up. no more wedding shows (unless im in the middle of working on something for someones wedding (not mine) and Phil's at work. ive decided its not worth getting myself upset over... and if i have to be a last minute bridezilla, then so be it. thats why i wanted to plan for things, and get things ready, so i wouldent be stressed when the big day actually did roll around. but it seems like the boy-oncee' dosent care, so he should be ready and willing to take shit from megzilla. :P either way, too much wine. going to bed after i finish this cig... goo'naight.